Showing posts with label Random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Random. Show all posts

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Brain-sick's Diary #3 >> Cold Emotions

I am swimming in a pool of thoughts. In a silent room, doors closed, panes in windows shut, and lights from my laptop screen is the only source; unveiling a part of my face, more of my hands on the keyboard. With denial of connection somehow with brains, here is something my heart wants to spill out. Its my birthday today. And I am wondering, why did the God select me for my mom. Could this not have happened that some other baby was lucky enough to get into my mom’s womb? Why it was me?
There are questions that are unanswerable. Then I wonder why do such questions have to exist, when answers to them are never found. My mind throttles deep down into such thoughts, mesmerizing me with unanswerable questions.
On my headphone, its Coldplay playing… 'Fix you'.


‘When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse…
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?’

How true this song is. I cant explain the sufferings, affection that got killed, in course of events that I faced and left them behind on my timeline. But somewhere, I lie struck in reverse. Is the past so dear that we tend to overlook the pleasant and optimistic present? The formidable past, that’s what heart believes, keeps poking from under the veil of sewn stitches. 

It has been quite a span, and I haven’t come up here with a post that’s significant. It was this song by Coldplay, that pushed my fingers onto the keyboard, and pinned down emotions of abstract blend on my blog.

I have been busy with my work, my college, my tries at photography and in mesh of complex thoughts. But I expect to come back here with colors in poetry… 


Monday, December 17, 2012

Brain-sick's Diary #2 >> If I were a Bird



It has been harsh these days. Weather has been behaving strangely. The sun is shy to come out, and has lost somewhere. Probably it has its own chores to sort out. I can see how the clouds have been troubling him. And there has been rain which was not anticipated, at least not at this time of year. Flowers in my garden, with feeble colors on their petals, are showing their miseries. I can do nothing other than watching them wither in cold. It pains to watch them die; flowers I had gardened with all my care.

Even the birds have migrated. Who is going to look after their homes now? I watch them fly together, flapping their wings slowly in distant sky, sometimes showing up, sometimes hiding behind clouds. Among the flock, I try to find the one, who is lonely. It may be because I want someone to resemble me. I look for my existence in them. The bad side of me, and a little good in me, I appraise each one minutely. In books, I read, living life with too much care and precautions is certainly not a good lifestyle. We should be carefree, and joyous. We should never look back in the long race we are running in. These are what books on ‘Art of Living’ say.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Sneaky Tales : Rejection


I always wake up, and my breath becomes heavy. As of now, I am still feeling heavy, as tattered notes from the last dream come across my mind. And for past four years, waking up, and facing the reality has actually hurt. The cold realization, that I am still there, from where everyone else moved away, sets inside me slowly. I am not fond of waking up. And I tend to sleep, even when I am not asleep. Waking up from your dreams, and waking up from your sleep, I take these two things separately. I have set my own ways of treatment with them.

I am afraid, but optimistic locutions don’t impress me. Whenever I have tried to apply them, they have lead me to nowhere but lost away in vain. Why do people greet the day with smiles? Are they escaping from the simple truth? Today is a cold reminder. It’s one day later than yesterday, one year later than last year. And sooner or later, the destined one will come. But I dare not express these. I need to polish myself each day, so that I may not yell out everything that I have kept inside.

I have been a heap of thoughts and convicted feelings that bring me rejection. Rejection has been a part of my life, and I faced it more than acceptance. The one writing this is the real one. It takes me sometime, each day, to turn what I am in front of people. It takes courage to hide the storm inside you. And once you have spilled out the storm, you ruin your relationships. I have ruined mine. I have untied all the knots that used to bind me. People won’t like to get drenched in your stuffs that don’t suit them.

Monday, October 1, 2012

I am a Foodie



Yeah! I am a foodie. But then, I wasn’t. When I was a kid, my mom used to rush around me, following me wherever I ran, with lunch plate in her one hand, and spoon in the other. I didn’t like to eat. Actually I loved junk foods, but mom never served them to me. Health conscious, you know. As I grew up, I fathomed my field of tastes. I found I was restricted within my favorites and never stepped out of them. This could be the reason, why I was thinner.

When I was in Kota, it was the time, when I turned foodie. I ate exceedingly, and it reflected through inflation of my tummy. But I didn’t care. Nice food, nice people around who encouraged my food habits. This was what I loved the most. You eat what you like, and people around you support that too. Rajasthan is famous for the spicy food you get there. I was paying guest to a Rajasthani family, and I enjoyed my stay there; my taste buds awake always with every spices they added.

Today, when I am living in hostel, I feel once again as if my field of tastes in food has turned limited. We get tremendously bad quality food here. Consequently, I have lost my senses to what food tastes like when I am eating. I am eating here just to keep myself alive. I have lot to study, and I haven’t met a girlfriend yet. So keeping myself fit, and active with this quality of food is challenging.
*Click on Photo to Enlarge*

Being a foodie is one thing, and knowing how to cook is another. I learnt to cook something worth to eat while I was staying with my friends, during the previous semester end. I was exposed to their style to living. And I learnt how to survive with whatever we get easily around us. I mean vegetables and eggs; that make lives of bachelors easy. :P
The pic above is a collage of various pics I snapped while my friends were at work. I was involved too, but I was keener on capturing frames with my newly bought cam. :)

Friday, August 31, 2012

Footmarks



Strolling down the streets has turned a habit. New faces carrying distinct story behind them swivels across me. I tend to escape, I tend not to allude.  I wander to fetch something that I lost long way back. Last road bend and the diversion had already behaved strangely. It deluded me to a secluded traversal path that even the demon didn’t bother to sculpture on anyone's fortuned engravings.

I am searching if my story intersects somewhere with someone’s. Someone’s strange might mingle with stranger mine and we would wander together, in the lonesome streets; sometimes greener and sometimes derelict. Footprints and scribbling on the rocks give me power to move on. For I know through them, that someone made their way through it. Did they succeed? I shall walk till the finals to know if their exists scribbling on some rocks there too.

I will throw some initials. I will leave impressions on trunks to make the path easy for the followers. My footprints will be large and clearer.  I look back to confirm, no one I see. May be they will be lost somewhere. If their story intersects with mine, my left impressions will simplify the puzzle. 

Time has been ticking….each drop falling swiftly, trailing down the cheeks. Purest form, but insanity along and my footmarks are moving towards the finals.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Friendship Day| 2012


The first Sunday of August, and I thought it to be a regular Sunday, until the time I opened Facebook. Yes the tagging day, the friendship day you call it. Keep juggling with your friend’s emotions throughout the year and on this day bouquet them your love, showing how much depth you have in your friendship.
This friendship day had certain distance bought for me. I already have very few people around me whom I consider to be trust worthy. I am very miser in creating friends. I fear to get betrayed and so I keep myself away from the causes that lead to betrayal. However, even after the cautious measures, my foot slips sometimes.

I thought I can blow away what happened yesterday, and proposed a soulful dawn for myself. I didn’t know that the dusk trails aren’t over for me yet. Few may proclaim that you need to move on. I do too. But I don’t have enough courage that Mr. Thomas Alva Edison had with himself to face 1000 failures before achieving success. There might be confusion on how I am relating Edison with my situation, but somewhere inside me I think I am right by comparing myself with him. I look around; find people on the internet that got to face circumstances that I have been facing now. I relate myself with them and try to figure out the best possible way to keep myself encouraged, moving, as I don’t want to stop. I have miles to go. I really don’t want to stop.

Things will turn out this way, I hadn’t thought. If I had sensed even a minute bit of this earlier, I would have stopped right then. I can’t scribble more. I learnt something. I learnt the difference between illusion, delusion and world around me at present. These three things often mingle together and delude our point of view, our conception. Bearing false conception which is likely to dishearten in near future should be prohibited. Thinking positive is something different. And I do support this. It is like; I don’t support people who think they can refill the toothpaste tube back with the paste that they eased off from it.
We must think, judge ourselves and our point of interests before we start considerations with them. These points of interests range from materialistic things to people alive and dead. We must not throw a blind faith on anyone.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Satisfaction


How confusing even the planned schema results into. An apple pie I ought to buy, but land feasting sweet corn soup. Its blue I love, and propose to get a new T-shirt in blue, but often finalize it for green. How environment affects sustainability is remarkable. And I am facing it. People I look around, along the corridor of my newly allotted hostel room, potpourri I find; not just with their activities but in terms of their wishes and aims. Aims have no limit, the higher you set it, the higher you work for it. Else just assembling your aims and worshiping them is worth nothing. 
I don’t know people out there are right or not, but they do carry a reasonable explanation for whatever they think of; for whatever their aim is to do after Engineering. Earlier I used to think that deciding the field of study after class Xth is the most crucial decision to make. I was wrong. There is still lot of important decisions to make regarding what to do after our Engineering gets completed. Amount of mentation people lay during the course of Engineering towards their future planning is just unfathomable. I had a clear vision of what I want and what I am working for. But sustainability seems to have gone affected by newly created surrounding here.

I never knew about those research options and institutes that they discussed about. Neither did I figure out what exactly is needed to get there. Probably they didn’t have the answer too. But their explanations were impressive. But I am confused if I am really impressed. Why would I go for research? I have dreamt of working like a workaholic in a higher software firm. Why should I considerate myself by their explanations? Preventing myself and trying to escape from the reality, I blame human nature to be the defaulter. Human has a tendency to get into believing something very soon. And with certain substantiation it becomes a truth for them easily. I think I am a human too.  

Among all irregularities in choices that one makes, among all foliated conceptions that lead an individual on a certain path, there is always one thing common: the end should be above satisfaction. But then, other than this, there is also another important factor that appraises your degree of satisfaction. Had you taken the path that ‘you’ wanted, to reach the ultimate? Were the perceptions 'your own' that you had scribbled permanently inside the real you, to get the ultimate? I still emphasize that self-satisfaction is the most crucial thing. And it is the ultimate goal that we run for. And the penultimate moral I slurped inside is :  there still lies satisfaction in facing the defeat which was by ‘your own’ choice, and not molded by 'others'.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Fraudulent!


I have always been wondering, and often questioning myself about the significance of registration that our college arranges at the start of every semester. You miss the first allotted date for it and you will be compensating it with a fine of Rs 100 and uncountable other hassles. I kept thinking about it, deceiving myself by conferring this regulation as necessary and required while I headed towards auditorium today. I waited quite long in order to submit feedback form that is another unimportant thing that we need to do as one of the procedure to this registration. I regretted of having it done. My juniors were quite helpful there by providing feedback form slips for free which means I could have got my work done if I consulted them instead of legally queuing myself up. It ended, and so did my condolence against my conceptions. Registrations like these have no meanings. Yes I agree with what Mr. Shiv Khera has been consistently telling me to do through his book, which is about thinking positively about everything that goes around you. I agree! But I disagreed it today. I tried to think positive but cons won. Really, I still think that registration like this in our college has no meaning and no importance at all. If this is so important then it is advisable for our college to get this done online. I guarantee, they won’t make this happen ever. Monetary advantages through fines on later dates can never be curbed here in our college. On the contrary, if they agree to start procedures online, I am ready to program the webpage for them :D. And that too for free!!! :P 

I wonder again. How much more time would be with us to stay at home, if we could register the crap online. Internet is already full of loads of crap; added one more won’t disturb the balance :D. And then it would be bearable too for us. This is what I think. A different fella from our college, quite serious about attending classes and having falsely built trust on college management will disagree with me somewhere. I don’t know. May be he/she would disprove me everywhere, on every note that I ringed. But who cares! Only one think I care is to add something to what a general theory is about building a positive attitude. Let me cite an example which will make things clearer. You may assume that you are homeless but still quite positive about that. Is it worth? Wont it be nice if you effort to build a home for yourself, keeping your attitude sound and your facet positive? I think the latter is going to work much better.

Well I would love to know what my friends think about this. And what significance they think is coming out from contemporary open cheating procedures on us…  

Monday, July 23, 2012

Caterpillar Tread

I was away for the sake of studies. I have always been away for my studies. And this semester, I didn’t even go back my home. It was for the sake of my studies. I am in a position where I can’t judge if living away from home is worth exchangeable with something. Because there is something so worth that you get living close to your family, with your mom and dad. I had recently had this sacrifice by not going home. This was for the sake of my studies.

Although I continued to live happily being among with some of my close friends, but then, there was something missing. It was kind of less salt in my daily food. It’s not that I literally take too much of salt in my food. It is just an expression I want to express. Less of salt, and I am not enjoying it. This prevailed and I continued to be hauled. I did learn, I did smile, I did enjoy. But I hauled. This was for the sake of my studies.

I have a tendency to get attached to things very soon. It doesn’t means literally getting glued to something. Rather I want to satire on myself. I develop sentimental feelings towards all those things that get around me. Earlier I used to hate my hostel. I had loads of complains of varied forms. While I was away, I realized how much I missed it. How much of dirt bits I missed which were somewhere pearls for me. Two years I have spent till now in my college’s hostel. And in these two years I have learned how to live alone. What is my own stand against people, what I like and what I don’t, and many things more. I have got to know myself here. What I am, is what I be in my hostel. Elsewhere it seems its not me. After the semester exams were over, I had to leave. But I didn’t go home. I lived with my colleagues. This was for the sake of my studies.

Now nearly after one month, our hostel has reopened. And I was the first to step in. I arrived here one week earlier and was waiting for the warden to allot me my new room, asking him every now and then that when he will be doing so. I owe tons of thanks to him as he allowed me to stay in hostel without any hassle even when all hostels were closed officially. Today I shifted to my new room. I am sitting by my window, enjoying the view, typing like a maniac. But then I recall, I have my Java tuition class today. I need to stop this crap here. This is for the sake of my studies.

Image Courtesy: Google Image Search