Looking back for a moment...

What has started, will someday come to an end. Be it my journey, yours, or someone else’s, or be this universe, all that has started will someday come to an end. Our lives in totality comprise of several small and big journey’s whose start and end are the subset of the set ‘the life we lived so far’, which in turn is the subset of a Godly universal set. Human’s thoughts and perceptions, they belong to a range of output from a philosophical function. This function drives the way a person enacts. With experience this function updates, and so does the output. Sometimes I wonder, how closely related philosophy of life, mathematics and science are. I can mathematically, programmatically relate different aspects as I see in my life. 

At the back of my minds, I am being flooded with memories I reminisce about the start of my college life. I always aspired to be a Computer Science Engineer. Having failed at IIT-JEE, my moral was pathetically down. In the year 2009, I was sent to Kota for pursuing the coaching at Bansal Classes. Even after the rigorous study, I admit my mistakes had been there, all investments turned unsuccessful. I reattempted the IIT-JEE in 2010, and failed at it again. But through West Bengal Joint Entrance Examination, I secured a significant rank that helped me to get Computer Science at Bengal College of Engineering and Technology at Durgapur. The college life that started on 10th August 2010 is about to end now. As I said before, this journey is just like one such journey among many which is a subset of the set ‘the life I lived so far’.

I have always been a kind of person who develops attachments very easily, and finds it difficult to move on. I had the same feeling at its peak when I was about to leave Kota as I am having right now. Various incidents, good as well as bad, they start to toil down the memory lane as I sit back for a moment in silence. I still miss Kota, lovely people I met there, and my friends whose friendship I will cherish forever. And I will miss Durgapur too. With million slaps of bitterness, there are several notes to sooth me off too, which are like mementos for achievement. 

I remember, I even wrote a poetry to express my attachment with our hostel. In these four years, I am the one who have lived in the hostel for the maximum amount of time. I have written several short stories, many poems, and innumerable random blog posts. All of these, they will still be with me, connected with incidents from the past. Now that in a month I will be leaving college, I want to thank all of them who contributed towards building a better 'me'. Durgapur, it will be special to me always. A part of me will live here forever, amongst the silence of roads gushed with wind and dead leaves in them, in those corridors of hostel where I stood alone for hours thinking what I don't know, in all those rooms where I lived in these four years. Its not a ghostly feeling and its description. "I will come back", and this will give a hint of what part of me will continue to live in Durgapur.

But as I said before, this journey is just like one such journey among many which is a subset of the set ‘the life I lived so far’. There shall be more journeys for me.

(when I was in first year of my college)

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Undertone

The tinge of fading redness

As the sea gallops the star in its heart…

The time reminds of my departure

To the land where I will nourish,

The life I could not live here on earth.

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The Unique in You

Uniqueness, the characteristic that distinguish you from the rest in the crowd. And when each of us owns it, uniqueness works to give identity to individuals in the crowd. Throughout our lives we keep learning. In the process do we keep refining our uniqueness? Or does it stay the same till the end of our lives?

Uniqueness can be observed on macroscopic as well as on a microscopic scale; the uniqueness present in totality, or present with respect to domains. Well not getting too much technical, the essence of this post lies in realizing the uniqueness in us.

I believe 'learning' and 'uniqueness', they go hand in hand. The more we learn, the more we get to experiment with, and more shine to our work adds up. With learning, we get to know more specifically about the areas that inspire us and tend to bring out the best from us. And at the end of the day, from the work we have done, uniqueness is evaluated. I believe to completely build uniqueness, the role of learning we have attained cannot be shadowed. 

While I stressed on the importance of continual learning, I would mention of the grit that the Almighty blesses with. Why I mentioned of the Almighty here? I always mention of the Almighty when I need to mention of some uncontrollable forces; circumstances and hold which are beyond our control. Where a person is born, what sort of family they are born in, and like these there can be various things beyond the individual’s control that somehow would have helped in building the personality. Their persona so crafted in the uncertain world carries the elementary uniqueness. This uniqueness I believe, is beyond one’s control and desire, but I know they can be worked upon later with learning. See, the importance of learning can never be neglected.

The need to change ourselves can be enforced by various reasons, may be to be a better human, may be to hone our personality for our professional lives or may be just to be like our role models. To change for improvement and excellence is great, but never at the cost of 'copying' someone. I have copied a lot, not in exams but in different walks of my life I lived till date. I tried to copy handwritings of my friends because I didn’t like mine, I tried to speak like some of my seniors because I thought my way of conversation with people was not good. And like these, there have been various instances where I copied people. Why did I copy? I copied because I knew I was poor at something. I chose to copy to improve. However, the correct way should be to learn first, and then we will improve ourselves. I kept copying in one way or the other till a week ago. When we copy, we tend to lose our uniqueness. And this uniqueness is the Ace. This is the elite aura that can do wonders. 

Lets try to find out our field of interest first. On the second, we should look if we need any improvement before we start to work in our area of interest. If we need any, then that must be achieved by learning and not by copying. When we improve by learning, uniqueness starts to come to the front with blaze. The third step should be to start working in our area of interest, and consistently looking to improve the work we are doing in it. By the time we would stand on the third step of staircase, we would realize the importance of continual learning.

Uniqueness is a bliss and a catalyst to our success reaction. It must not be killed by stabs of copying. 

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'The Power of a Common Man'

I saw ‘Nayak’ in the reel life in year 2001. I had never thought the reel life would transform into reality, and
the whole nation will witness one day a ‘Nayak’ in the real life. Yes! And that day came when Arvind Kejriwal took oath as the Chief Minister of Delhi on 28th of this month.

It takes 'intention' to be present, and not the experience, says Kejriwal to lead the nation towards upliftment from clutches of corruption and moral degradation. I completely agree with what he says, with whatever clauses he has quoted to be inculcated into our constitution. Towards politics, the interest of mine would get inclined so drastically, I never thought of it. But that came into as I saw him taking oath to get sworn as the 7th Chief Minister of Delhi. And it’s not just for me but I suppose a major portion of India’s youth is getting drawn towards AAP (Aam Aadmi Party). It was not a surprise for me when I read of Remo Fernandes joining AAP. This is just the beginning, and I believe soon many will be coming to the front. We are mistaken if we believe that joining a political party means we are going to contest elections. It’s just like becoming a member of an organization and working for it at the back end, clarifies Remo.

The early life and political career of Arvind Kejriwal is very interesting. At each instant and at every walk of his life I sense the ‘intention’ to work something better, to curb down the corruption into ashes.
And now that he has got the platform and sufficient power to ‘change the prevailing’, expectations are huge.

Day before yesterday, I came across this photo.
And only one thing comes to my mind, ‘Never underestimate the power of a common man’.

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The Prerequisite that helps to Succeed...

How much importance we give towards education of children. What do we aim for by educating them precisely? Do we intend to make them increase the number of degrees of various qualifications? I believe we expect them to come up with sound knowledge, but not just that rather we expect them to develop themselves into a civilized and a well behaved ‘human’. Children are made to target towards the wishes bricked together by their parents, and seldom left to make the choice of their own. But at the grass root level if we examine, we will realize that indeed we wish to produce a well behaved person in future.

Sadly, somewhere we are lacking. We are lacking to produce youngsters with proper mannerism and quality to behave decently in front of other people. When talked about mannerism, I bifurcate moral values and professional behavioral attitude as co-related but separate entities. A child inculcated with sound moral values need not always possess sound professional attributes in his behavior. And the same goes the other way round too. But neither of these two entities is being imbedded into youngsters. This setback is coming at the front in form of poor placement records in colleges, and this scenario prevails more dominantly in C-grade private colleges of India.

After such students pass out from college, frankly with such a void attitude they own no future at all. Companies who hire people look for well-groomed personality and rich mannerism in talks first, knowledge comes second. And if they fail to meet the first requirement, who cares to let them have their technical knowledge tested. The matter is of prime concern today, and this not just covers the problem arena of engineering colleges, rather it stresses the need to own well behavioral attitude in general as a prerequisite before venturing for any kind of job. You can yourself see how we are inclined towards those companies who offer better customer relations. How good the service is being provided that comes second. At the first place we realize how the behavioral outlooks are towards us. From your favorite local restaurant to deciding the best consultancy service for your business, it all starts with sound conduct in talks.

Today to grow with India, the prerequisites need to be inculcated and furnished with shine at the earliest. The early the youngsters realize this, the better it will be.

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The 3rd Blogoversary

It was around this time, three years back; I was in first year then. It started with enthusiasm to have my own space online, which would somewhat look closer to a website. I remember I made a website for my school when I was in class Xth as a part of my school project. Having got appreciation from my computer teacher, gradually I gained interest in web development, and always wanted to have a website for myself. What exactly my website would be all about, what contents it would have I never thought of. ‘Blogs’, I came to know of when Mr. Amitabh Bachchan started to reach people through his blog. Blogs are the medium to express yourself and connect with people. Blogs serve as an online journal, linking to other sites and news stories.

My poetic verses and story making in messages/SMS for fun and scraps on Orkut started making their space at my newly made blog at Wordpress. But me being an enthusiast for web development, and a student of computer science, I was not satisfied to work within restrictions imposed by Wordpress at that time. Wordpress has turned a bit flexible now but then it not even allowed use of iframes and external scripts. 
I came to know of an online tool which could transfer a Wordpress blog to Blogger, keeping posts and comments all intact. And that marked the start of my exposure to web development and web designing.

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Brain-sick's Diary #4 >> Unusualness

Something unusual has happened. Something that is pulling me into despair. Something which is clenching me in the fist of depression; a depression of a kind whose origin lies veiled. Only my senses are reactive towards the rhetoric discussions I have been raising inside me. Perceptions I envisage is pulling me apart with a force that can uproot a living strong tree, that can bring to the grounds tombs of giant mega structures, that can explode away a town with nuke energy.  I don’t know the specific reason. I just witness the unusualness.

Interests are getting suppressed. Things that used to be my passion (which they still are, but have gone under hibernation) are also getting dim in my arena. I go through early pages of my life, and I feel surprised on the changes I underwent. In the isolation, in the separate space where I have dragged myself into, I keep juggling thoughts and beliefs that have burst out from nowhere. Why does this happen? No clues.

Facebook? Twitter? G+? I have quit almost all of them. I used to be one of the most active person on social media websites. Though I never run out of plots for short stories and poetry, but increased intimacy with the unusualness has slackened the will to perform, to write them on my blog. Why am I writing all this crap right now? I am only scribbling my heart on pages of my open diary just to bookmark this day, and when I will look back again in distant future, I will try to feel the worst unusualness that I have experienced. Why does this happen? No clues.

Friendship which is considered to be the most sacred relationship (I haven’t seen, I read in books) never crosses my way. It might be that I am very stiff at my attitude and consequently this relationship never intersected into my way. I have always tried to mix with people, tried to get to know them, tried to weave strands of solidarity with the people whom I connected with. But I have failed each time. Love? Does it exist? I have only seen unusualness.

This unusualness is intensifying with each passing day.  If I could ever get to reach its origin, I will surely bring myself out of this labyrinth, killing the evil spree to death. 

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An Odd Invention

Like the way OS drives hardware,

My tender heart drives my actions.

My CPU seldom pauses its function,

Clutched in multiple processes

And deadly thread synchronization.

Endured against suffocation,

Withstanding brute deadlock condition;

I envy that giant-tiny mastermind,

Fabricated into a chip

Named after Intel’s perfection.

My limbs and glands,

Constitute my local connection.

Through narrow bandwidth in my nerves

Runs protocol for communication.

In meshes, in rings, in stars or on buses,

With niggling breaks and data congestion

My dreams sail in intense versions.

Full of exclamations and interjections,

My vision surpasses

Chris Nolan’s ‘Inception’.

Procuring the imagination

Of an unmatched conviction.

With new thoughts’ propulsion

At my solitary mansion,

I head towards tranquility

Drawing my steps towards the invention.

An invention that can help you find

Eternal love for your life 

Exempted of distrust and disgust.

Aided with honesty, and upheld warmly.

And that would be my ultimate innovation;

My blow of life,

Into lives of millions & millions.

Images Courtesy : Google Images Search

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Enviousness

I envy him…

The stealer who sneaked into my vase,

Furtively he lavished my flowers with glam.

With strokes of his magic wand;

Vanished my flowers; their essence scrammed.

I still care and preserve,

The leftover aroma in the emptiness.

I envy him…

As he turned into a giant black cloud,

Hovered above; embraced my love in the night sky.

A tear rolled down, and mingled with stillness in lake.

And soon it rained; emerged an urge to crush my ache.

But I stood low, dormant and lifeless.

I wait for the sky to get clear.

I envy him…

The musketeer who plundered into my home.

He took away all that was mine,

Sweetness on her lips, and her dimpled face in shine.

I wish his musket to kill me,

As her memories couldn’t help me die.

Image Courtesy : Anshul Gautam's - ViBGYOR

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The Open Window...

(Click on Image to Enlarge)

On closing my eyes, I fill thick brooded meshes in my lungs with air… I hold it for a while, pushing it a little further, until I can hold it no more. Freshness sprouting outside my open window descends deep down into me… Perhaps, its spring; I can see through the open window, trees ladened with new leaves and buds; birds chirruping, squeaking around in happy-playful mood. Jolly squirrel nests on the tree too, jumping from branch to branch. Sometime they stop by at the open window, staring at my partially lit face.

Can I be ever free? I have been captive under chains of my psychotic mind. Along every perspectived dimension in my mind, there jolts clumsy curiosity; the curiosity to arrive at a clue to freedom, a way to cut bars in the open window, to dissolve the tiny autumn within me and dilute it into the sprawling spring outside.

Tools made out of elemental love, I have used enough. Adamant chains tied around my torso don’t listen to them. In the environs of spooky silent nights, my imaginary friend visits me. He preaches to carve my tools out from hatred, assuring the success on blood soiled chains. Morally fed soul of mine ravages at this juncture; it still trusts in love, although yet to recover from past injuries bought in the love’s conspiracy.

The sunlight is warm, grazing over green trees outside the open window. At a certain time of the day, the Sun bathes my dark pestered room, throwing a shine of hope on my face. It’s the time when my friend in my shadow visits me. He shares his thoughts with me, conjuring me about life; What is life?

As the Sun rises up in the sky, friend in my shadow recedes, and he is away when its all dark again. He left me a note yesterday… When the Sun was bathing me in a spotlight of hope today at its time, I read the note:

“Life is beautiful outside your open window. Free yourself from the chains that never physically existed. Free yourself from the captivity laid by chains of your diverse mind. I am waiting, outside your open window….                                                  -Anshul"

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Brain-sick's Diary #3 >> Cold Emotions

I am swimming in a pool of thoughts. In a silent room, doors closed, panes in windows shut, and lights from my laptop screen is the only source; unveiling a part of my face, more of my hands on the keyboard. With denial of connection somehow with brains, here is something my heart wants to spill out. Its my birthday today. And I am wondering, why did the God select me for my mom. Could this not have happened that some other baby was lucky enough to get into my mom’s womb? Why it was me?
There are questions that are unanswerable. Then I wonder why do such questions have to exist, when answers to them are never found. My mind throttles deep down into such thoughts, mesmerizing me with unanswerable questions.
On my headphone, its Coldplay playing… 'Fix you'.

‘When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want, but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse…

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?’

How true this song is. I cant explain the sufferings, affection that got killed, in course of events that I faced and left them behind on my timeline. But somewhere, I lie struck in reverse. Is the past so dear that we tend to overlook the pleasant and optimistic present? The formidable past, that’s what heart believes, keeps poking from under the veil of sewn stitches. 

It has been quite a span, and I haven’t come up here with a post that’s significant. It was this song by Coldplay, that pushed my fingers onto the keyboard, and pinned down emotions of abstract blend on my blog.

I have been busy with my work, my college, my tries at photography and in mesh of complex thoughts. But I expect to come back here with colors in poetry… 

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The Journey...

Its album ‘Passions’ by Ghazal Maestro, Late Shree Jagjit Singh, playing on my computer while I am typing this. And the lyrics is conforming with emotions once I had. It was my first semester break, and I was going back home, in Gujarat. I had tried to cage my emotions within sheets of my notebook, somewhere which remains in its hideous isolation now.Then, I was different, from what I am now. At least I had tears, and I could spill them when I needed. Now even after million tries, I don’t get any. I wish, if I could feel light, bursting out from the complex lockage in my brains.

I was travelling alone, and I talked with myself all through the journey. And the reciprocation of turbulence of thoughts was imprisoned within certain pages. I stopped by at those pages today, while I was tearing them off before putting them on fire. And the pages read :

I sit still, and scenes through my window ‘pass’ by. 

Like projection of memories on walls, 

Glimpses of my existence in them pass by.

The distant horizon moves with me, like the ultimate goal in my life. 

Hills and its ranges, terrain rough and sprawling solitude pass by.

I watch as a viewer, terrains where I had been. 

Scraped pieces of my loneliness, my jobless thoughts in them pass by.

Rivulets in their topsy-turvy curves, 

Meeting and dividing; behold my soul. 

Kinships I had and pain of their losses pass by.

Away from solitude, my eyes snap at commotion,

As the city in energy passes by.

Of all few causes that put us down,

Million reasons to rise and smile pass by.

The obstinacy to laugh, promises to shine pass by.

The shine is in our goal, and the journey is our road to shine.

I still still, and scenes through my window pass by.

I close my eyes slowly,

Dazzles of glistens, sparks of enticement,

Fervor in my goals ‘waltz’ by.

Image Courtesy : Google Images Search

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New Leaflets

Innocence in stipules,

The novelty in its shade

Pigmented in green

Lustrous in rays from Sun,

Waves in the air

Flimsy and translucent leaflets.

Born from the old stem

Brown and rigid,

Textured with experiences

It gained in a long time.

Leaflets breeze joy,

Pacify the previous pain

Sprinkling the newness in air

Freshening the surrounding

With ambiance of liveliness,

Like notes from sitar

Played in an early morning,

Solacing our mind

Healing the anguish

Descending into our ruptured soul.

Who cares, who plucked the leaf

Who pinned the giant in pain,

New leaflets must come

And breathe in life again.

The nature and its laws

Leaflets acquaint well.

Life has to move on,

With the newness, each new day

And prosper towards future

Till the pigment stays green.

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Glitters on the New Year's Eve

In this coming newness

Bloom the flower of joy

In the garden of your life.

Fill your mug till its brink

With intoxicating happiness.

Lets say cheers to new aspirations

And imbibe it down,

Deep into our lives.

In this coming newness,

Above all religion,

Abide by laws of friendship.

Spread the song of love.

Tap your feet on solacing tunes

From strings of virtuousness.

Come!

Join my party,

Enroll into my resolution.

In this coming newness,

It’s an oath to Stay Human.

I wish you all, a very happy new year!

I present you a Laughing Buddha, for your never ending happiness. :)

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Photo-Snippets -> 'Nestling Happiness'

Happiness existed in small things,
In a world which was itself small,
But it could fly;
Dreamy leaps with fairy wings.
In that world, views were pure
And so were goals.
Sacred emotions
Without fear,
Life was a child’s play.

I wish, If I could get my childhood back!

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Photo-Snippets -> 'Bird of Passage'

I am a wanderer
Lost in the wilderness
Off the desolated road,
Into the sprawling realms.
On the brink, 
At the edge of my life,
The road will project me
Into an outer space where
Nix will be emotions.
I expect to meet someone
In that absolute emptiness;
My ultimate pacifier.
That shall end my Journey,
My never meandering.

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Brain-sick's Diary #1 >> Expectations

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.”

I read this quote somewhere on Internet. I was trying to join my friend’s fan page, but some cross-links came forward and carried me away from Facebook. I transfixed my eyes, shook my heart, as the words started crawling in multiple spheres of my mind.
What’s wrong with it? The quotation just screamed out the truth!

How can human sustain without expectations? This was the food for my thought on my way back to home from our nearest grocery store.
If I purchase a packet of biscuit, I have some expectation about its taste.
Even the old lady at store expects me to come back again for some more shopping. I can read from sparkles in her eyes each time she bids me bye. How can one say that they hate expectations.

I kept walking tardily, my feet freezing and denying any movement further. But it was stringent thoughts which kept my mind busy, obscured from wants of my legs. I entered my house, even forgot to close the door. I was back to my senses only then when my mom started chiding upon me for not having purchased some butter. She chided some more when her hairs started to swirl and ruffle from the strong cold wind that came through the open door.
I looked back at the open door. I realized, there is always some purpose behind every instance. The Butter! I knew it wont be easy, but I must go. I slammed the door from outside, and it banged.

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Elicitation

अश्को के समंदर में,
बेपनाह प्यास से,
बेवफा प्यार में तेरी 
जल रहा हूँ मैं.

टूट के छितराए
अरमानो के टुकरों पर,
हर डग खून सींच रहा हु मैं.

कातिल तेरे खंजर की
चोट से बढ़कर ,
तेरी यादों की लौ में 
जल रहा हूँ मैं....


(C) Anshul Gautam

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Home!!! | Gharaonda...

घर की याद तो आती थी,

आंसू छलक भी जाते थे;

लफ़्ज़ों में हाल बयां ना करते,

पर दर्शक समझ ही जाते थे.

हमारी तेज़ और स्पर्धा को

नयी उचाइयां जो देनी थी,

कुछ अधूरे ख्वाब थे हमारे,

पुराने कुर्ते के फटे जेब थे सारे;

इनको नया जो करना था,

अम्बर से प्रकाश को लाना था.

घर की झोली कम पर जाती

तो हौसला अपने अन्दर ही भर लिए;

मैं फिर आऊंगा की दस्तक छोर कर

घर से दूर हम निकल लिए.

वर्ष कितने ऐसे ही बीते;

संघर्ष में सनी स्याही से,

हम इतिहास के नये पन्ने भरते.

घर की बिलखती यादों को शांत कर

ह्रदय कठोर, हौसला ठान कर,

मैं जल्द आऊंगा के गीत गा कर,

मंजिलों की ओर हम बढ़ते रहते.

  

अपने आंगन से दूर रह कर,

विशाल गगन में अपनी छाप छोर कर,

आज चंद सितारे तोड़ लाया हूँ;

घर से दूर रह कर

अंधकार जो हमने देखा था,

हिम्मतों की खरी लौ में आज,

अमर दीपक जला कर लाया हूँ.

मंजिलों को हासिल करके,

कुछ और नये ख्वाब देख के,

हौसला कुछ और समेट ले आया हूँ;

नए धुनों में अपने गीत भर कर,

अपनी आवाज़ में गुनगुना रहा हूँ.

माँ के पास आज लौटने,

घर वापस मैं जा रहा हूँ...

घर वापस मैं जा रहा हूँ…

(C) ANSHUL GAUTAM

/*     I want to dedicate this poem to my lovely Father. What sort of days we have seen together, living away from our own home, for consecutive five years almost, they can' be described in words. However I just tried to present a glimpse in this poem. This is for the first time in my life when I have tried to write a poem in Hindi. I can speak, but honestly, I am very weak at writing Hindi. But still, I have tried.
And my Dad; he is very happy on being back to our home town, back to our home. My mom and me; we glad on seeing him happy. :))     */

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Stillness

I listen to the stillness
I witness purity at dawn
I listen to gentle rain
I watch the awnless lawn.

With my eyes closed
I try to feel
Sudden rush of chillness,
Stillness in weather’s appeal.

My bare feet lead me 
To the last bench I see,
No one is in park
Just stillness in bevy.

Only rain on them sound
Barky trees don’t sway,
Stillness have cursed them
Just still they stay.

It reminds me of a picture
Once I hung on my wall,
Black demons were all around
White man stood still in thrall.

What I see, Is it photo-frame’s ordeal?
Or is it me inside it, alive and surreal?
Demons have stolen all the colors
Caged me in arms of stillness.

I will push through
The stillness stilled,
Demons turn weak
Once the Sun is unveiled.

I run; fast and quick
Stillness freezes me at halfway
But I still can see and feel,
Stillness in the next picture on my wall.

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